


A Problem of Asymmetry

by Kantayra



Category: Soul Eater
Genre: First Time, Humor, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-08
Updated: 2011-09-08
Packaged: 2017-10-23 13:43:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/250946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kantayra/pseuds/Kantayra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was inevitable, really. As soon as Kid, Liz, and Patty tried to lose their virginity: “I can’t do this! It’s not symmetrical!”</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Problem of Asymmetry

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the September 8 prompt for [](http://springkink.livejournal.com/profile)[**springkink**](http://springkink.livejournal.com/): _Soul Eater, Death the Kid/Liz/Patti, losing virginity, ‘I can’t do this. It’s not symmetrical.’_

It was an unspoken truth around Shibusen that a meister and weapon always lost their virginity to each other. It was an incredibly powerful connection, after all – the intimate resonance of souls – and when teenage hormones were added to the mix, it was almost instinctive.

That didn’t mean it was easy, though. In fact, sometimes it was downright excruciating. Take, for example:

“I can’t do this!” Death the Kid broke out into sudden hysterics. “It’s not symmetrical!”

“Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding me…” Liz mumbled under her breath and pulled the blanket back up over her chest.

Patty leaned over so that her head was in Kid’s lap and squinted. “It looks symmetrical to me.” She cocked her head to one side to better examine his penis.

“Not that,” Kid declared melodramatically. “It’s… There’s only one… And there’s two of you… And…”

“I knew this would happen. I should have known this would happen.” Liz let out a long-suffering sigh.

Patty reached out with one finger to push the head of Kid’s cock back against his stomach and then, carefully, released it. “Boing!” she giggled with delight when it bounced back toward her.

Kid grabbed his robe and hastily fled the room in despair.

Patty pouted that her new favorite plaything was gone.

“How is this my _life_?” Liz complained.

It was an excellent question.

***

Teenage horniness being what it was, though, it was only a matter of time before they all tried it again.

“Oh, _fuck_ , that feels good!” Liz thrashed when Kid’s hand sneaked up her blouse to fondle her right breast.

Patty giggled as Kid did the same with her left breast.

Kid’s eyebrow twitched. “They’re not the same size…” he began.

Liz cut him off with a kiss before he could get any further, wrapping her legs around his waist and hoping against all hope that _his_ teenage horniness would finally fully take over. Given the erection he was sporting, it seemed like there might be hope and then:

“Patty’s legs are still on the bed.” Kid broke away.

Liz’s eyebrow twitched this time. “So?”

“It’s not—”

“I thought I told you not to say that word in bed!” Liz exclaimed in frustration.

“But it’s _not_!” Kid flailed.

And that point Liz finally couldn’t take it anymore. “What on earth is _wrong_ with you?” she screamed and stalked right out in a huff.

Kid flopped back on the mattress as the door slammed behind Liz. “I’m never going to hear the end of this one, am I?” he asked rhetorically.

“Boingy, boingy, boingy!” Patty jumped up and down on the bed beside him in response.

***

“Okay,” Liz said.

“Okay,” Kid agreed. There was a certain symmetry to mimicking her. It was soothing.

“I am a teenager.”

“You are a teenager.”

“ _You_ are a teenager.”

“I am a teenager.”

“Patty is a teenager.”

“Patty is…” Kid looked to where Patty was dancing in circles with a lop-eared bunny she’d found heaven-knew-where. “Patty is… _something_.”

Liz coughed pointedly to return Kid’s attention to the matter at hand. “We all want to have sex.”

“Right,” he agreed.

“A _lot_.”

“Right,” he agreed more vigorously.

“And there are three of us.”

“Which means it will _never_ be symmetrical!” Kid bemoaned.

“What if we took turns?” Liz suggested.

“Then one of you would still be a virgin while the other wasn’t.” Tears formed at the corners of Kid’s eyes. “That would be even _more_ asymmetrical!”

“What if Patty and I had sex together first?”

Kid’s eyes glazed over.

“Well?” Liz asked hopefully.

“I think you broke him.” Patty poked curiously at Kid’s left eye.

“I—I approve of this plan…” Kid said hoarsely.

“And then you’ll join us?” Liz asked suspiciously.

Kid’s eyes darted to one side, and he mumbled something under his breath.

“What was that?” Liz demanded.

“Only if it’s symmetrical,” Kid muttered again, just loud enough to be heard this time.

“Gah!” Liz yanked on her hair. “Are you honestly saying that asymmetry disturbs you to the point that watching two sisters having lesbian sex can’t counteract it?”

Kid opened his mouth to answer, reconsidered, and closed it again.

Liz tapped the floor with her boot impatiently.

Kid opened his mouth again. Paused. Shut it.

Liz coughed pointedly.

Kid opened his mouth and froze.

“ _Well_?” Liz demanded.

“Can I have some time to think about it?” Kid asked hopefully.

Liz hit him squarely in the face with her pillow.

“Bunny!” Patty twirled about the room merrily.

“I guess that means I don’t get to watch, then?” Kid ventured.

Liz hit him squarely in the face with _Patty’s_ pillow, too. She hoped he appreciated the symmetry of that.

***

Liz squinted down at the sheet of paper in front of her. “Those contortions aren’t even humanly possible!” she finally said in exasperation.

Kid looked crestfallen and reconsidered the blueprints he’d prepared. “Well, what if we moved Patty’s leg here, and my arm _there_ , and—”

A vein bulged in Liz’s forehead. “No matter what we do you won’t magically grow a second penis!”

“Magic, whee!” Patty scribbled on her own sheet of paper in purple crayon.

Liz turned thoughtful. “Actually, if we _did_ use magic…” she pondered. “Of course, we’d have to find a witch first, and…”

“Collect her soul, of course,” Kid insisted.

Liz glared at him. “The point of this is that we _need_ magic if we’re ever going to make three-person sex symmetrical!”

Kid scoffed. “We’re not siding with witches,” he informed her imperiously.

“You know,” Liz said, “this would be a lot easier if we were evil.”

“Not going to happen.”

“This would also be a lot easier if you weren’t _insane_!”

“Not going to—” Kid froze abruptly mid-statement when he realized what he was saying.

“Ha!” Liz said triumphantly.

“I made a pony!” Patty announced and karate-chopped the table in half. Except that she didn’t manage to break it _quite_ down the middle, and Kid had to spend the rest of the day trying to get her to re-break it _properly_ while Liz banged her head on the wall.

***

“Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!”

Liz growled and stalked down the hallway.

“Sorry, sorry, _sorry, sorry_!” Kid continued to crawl after her on his knees.

Liz’s hands balled into fists.

“I didn’t mean it! _Ple-e-e-e-ease_ forgive me!” Kid begged.

Liz turned on him, enraged. “All of us dying virgins is _not an option_!” she spat angrily.

“But it’s the only way to remain perfectly symme—” Kid cut himself off when Liz’s expression turned homicidal. “I’m _so_ sorry! I didn’t mean it! We’ll find a way!”

“We’d _better_ ,” Liz warned. The endless sexual frustration just wasn’t doing anything for her mood.

“Wheeeeeeeeee!” Patty raced down the hallway, flapping her arms as she went in solidarity. Or something.

***

“So,” Liz asked plaintively, “what do we _do_?”

Tsubaki had long ago become so mortified by the topic of conversation that she’d become paralyzed in place, gaping.

Maka’s face had turned bright red ten seconds into Liz’s explanation, and she sputtered, “I-I d-don’t think this is what g-girl talk is really _for_!”

Patty continued to hum to herself and danced in little pirouettes.

Blair yawned. “Just put on some slinky lingerie and get him drunk,” she advised. “Simple enough.”

Maka and Tsubaki both looked at her like they were deeply disturbed.

Liz looked at her like she was brilliant.

Patty decided they all needed flowers in their hair. So, in the end, it wasn’t such a bad girls’ night, after all.

***

“Stop that!” Liz said, annoyed. “Stop crying!”

“B-But the right strap of that nightie is slipping off your shoulder. It’s asymmetrical!” Kid burst out into tears.

“Blip-bloop!” Patty tugged the silk strap back up Liz’s shoulder.

“We should’ve known he’d be a morose drunk,” Liz said wearily.

“Bweep!” Patty said.

“Oh, is that what was in my glass?” Kid sniffled and looked up long enough to locate his empty glass. “You should’ve told me. Death gods aren’t affected by alcohol, you see…” The left strap of Liz’s lingerie slipped off her shoulder this time, and he burst out sobbing once again.

“You mean, all this crying is _sober_?” Liz asked in disbelief.

Kid wailed.

“Why am I even surprised anymore?”

“Ba-doink!” Patty pulled Liz’s left strap back up.

***

“This is the stupidest problem anyone’s ever had,” Liz groaned and flopped back on her bed.

“Yup!” Patty yanked her fingers apart, trying to escape her Chinese finger trap.

“It’s not possible for three people to have symmetrical sex!” Liz exclaimed.

“Nope!” Patty pulled harder.

“And there’s no way Kid is _ever_ going to be able to _overlook_ the asymmetry!”

“Nope!” Patty gritted her teeth and yanked with all her might.

“I’m going to die a virgin,” Liz gurgled. “Kid is _definitely_ going to die a virgin. Hell, you’re probably going to die a virgin, too. Not that you’ll even notice…”

And, with a burst of strength, Patty ripped the Chinese finger trap right in two. “That,” she announced with sudden vehemence and iron confidence, “is _not happening_!”

Liz jumped in surprise as one end of the severed finger trap embedded itself in the wall only inches from her head. “Eep!” she squealed.

Before Liz had time to react any further, however, Patty burst from their bedroom in a flurry of energy. Patty’s fits of determination were terrifying to behold, and Liz had just barely worked up the courage to peer out the door when Patty came barreling back in, hauling Kid with her.

“You go there!” Patty threw Kid onto the bed next to Liz.

Kid looked about as alarmed as Liz felt.

“Don’t move,” Patty instructed. “I’m going to fix _everything_!”

Another flurry of frenzied activity followed, while Liz and Kid shielded their heads from the random debris of construction.

“All done!” Patty sing-songed happily only a few seconds later.

Liz and Kid looked up and blinked. Liz and Kid looked up and blinked back at them. Or, rather, the reflections of Liz and Kid in the full length mirror Patty had erected against one wall blinked back at them.

“Now it’s all symmetrical!” Patty said proudly. “What happens there,” she pointed to the bed, “also happens _there_!” She pointed to the mirror.

“Oh…” Kid blinked and then, passionately, “ _Patty_!” And he pulled her back into the bed with himself and Liz.

It turned out that the ardor provoked by knowing that everything that happened in that bedroom would be symmetrical _forever_ was enough for Kid to effectively deprive all them of their virginity back-to-back.

And, if Liz was the last one to lose her virginity by twenty minutes or so, she tried not to let the asymmetry bother her.

Much.


End file.
